Have you ever wondered what it would be like to look at yourself from another person's point of view? I'm sure you have. Everyone does. I'm sure it would be different from looking at yourself in the mirror. Have you ever heard of the condition called body dysmorphic disorder? Well if you have you know that it's a mental illness that causes to person to see something that isn't there, specifically when looking at themselves. For example, a really tall guy who's built well, has a nice face and beautiful brown hair might see himself as short, kind of fat and not so nice looking. It's a real self-esteem killer. I have a feeling that everyone suffers a little bit from BDD. I doubt that anyone ever sees themselves the way they truly are. I think this is why people wish so much to see themselves through someone else's eyes. I think that they are hoping that by seeing themselves through someone else they'll see someone better than they think that they are.
Everyday I think
'why is that girl making that face everytime she looks at me'
'is that girl staring at me?'
'why won't that kid look me in the eye'
'am I that ugly'
'do people really not like me that much'
'how come nobody ever texts me, they're nice in school but as soon as we're out of school the only time anyone ever texts me is so that they can get homework help.'
And then some really nice guy tells me I'm beautiful. Or I catch him staring and he smiles at me.
Then the other thoughts start
'is he just being nice'
'do people just not like me because I am pretty'
'maybe I should just give up on guys altogether'
Part of me wishes that really did have BDD because it would explain at least part of how I feel. The other part of me wishes that I could just be invisible, nobody would bother me. I could be at peace, not have to think or care what other people feel or think. And everyday I wonder "Does anyone else think the way I do?" A part of me wishes that everyone did because then the cruelty and insanity would be explainable.
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